How to have the care conversation with your loved one

Raising the topic of aged care with a loved one can be a difficult conversation. While they may wish to remain as independent as possible, you have seen their health decline and are becoming increasingly worried about their safety and wellbeing. You may be thinking it’s time to talk.

With care assessments, confusing financials, emotional turmoil and challenging health conditions swirling around, the whole topic can seem overwhelming. To add to the challenge, many people don’t want to talk about aged care. It’s seen as the end of the road where life is no longer lived. You don’t have to look far to find an unpleasant aged care story.

Parents want to keep their independence, while family members want what is best for their loved ones. Unfortunately this stops us talking about aged care as an option until it becomes too late. Until it is forced upon us due to sudden, unforeseen circumstances.

Help them choose their future while they are still in control

If you’ve ever had someone make a decision on your behalf without consent it can feel as if control of your own life has been taken from you.

Trying to navigate aged care options is hard enough; it’s even harder when you are facing an unforeseen health crisis. Having a plan for the future gives your loved one ownership of their life and peace of mind that no matter what happens next, everyone is on the same page.

A sad, but all too common occurrence is when everything is seemingly OK until out of the blue your elderly family members have a fall or their health takes a turn for the worse. It’s clear that they are no longer able to take care of themselves in their own home and they need assistance. The family is forced into making a snap decision. Due to the complexity of finances, time pressure, heightened emotions and logistics the best outcome is rarely achieved.

To help avoid this terrifying situation, it is important to talk about care options  together, especially before something drastic happens and the choice is taken out of the family’s hands. Having a conversation while everyone is able to, is a better way to make decisions about the future that both you and your loved one are happy with. Talking sooner rather than later increases your loved one’s independence and agency over the decision – after all, it should be theirs to make.

“I didn’t want it to get to the point where my daughter had to make the decision for me. I wanted to take that off her. It’s difficult for them to have to decide when Mum is ready for care or a nursing home. I didn’t want her to be faced with it. I wanted to make the decision. – Glengara Care resident.

Signs it could be time to talk

Knowing when is just as important as knowing how to have a conversation about aged care. Taking note of changes in behaviours can indicate when some extra care and support could be a welcome change. Some pattern to be aware of include:

Age – once your loved one is nearing the age of 80, it’s a good time to start thinking about the next steps. Not everyone will need aged care, but it’s important to have a closer look at how well your elderly loved one can look after themselves.

Isolation – now more than ever we have seen the health risks associated with isolation and loneliness. If your loved ones seem unnaturally tired, withdrawn or demotivated about the things that used to excite them, they may be suffering from loneliness and depression.

Falls – as we age mobility issues become more common. The surfaces and spaces in our homes (bathrooms, stairs) become unsafe and unsuitable for an older person’s abilities. If there has been a fall, concerns can arise around calling for help, serious injury, decreased confidence and movement.

Declining health – once your loved one’s health starts to decline and they are unable to confidently attend to their own needs, it may be a sign that they need extra care and support. Some examples of declining health could be decreased mobility, poor memory, wandering or poor eating habits.

Ability to care for themselves – is your loved one able to cook, clean, garden, shower and carry out their normal activities and chores without assistance? You may notice things around the house not being tended to like they have been.

Conversation starters

Of course, there is no perfect time to broach this topic, however a calm moment when your loved one is relaxed and open-minded can be a good place to start.

Being too direct and jumping in can unnecessarily heighten tensions. If you believe it is the right time to have a conversation about the future, here are some questions to help prompt discussion and surface concerns:

• What types of things could we support you with right now?
• If something happened to you and we weren’t nearby, what would you do?
• What do you think we should do if you get to an age where you can’t look after yourself anymore?
• Do you see yourself ever moving into a community that provides extra care and support?
• Does the idea of needing extra care concern you?

Frame the conversation from the outset and be clear to everyone involved that this is just an exploratory conversation, with the aim of bringing about peace of mind – no one is making any decisions today.

Don’t be disheartened if the idea of aged care is not well received or even rejected at first. This chapter of life – where health, care and independence intersect – is an emotionally charged and difficult time, and will likely involve a series of conversations and objections.

Why Glengara Care is a genuine alternative to aged care on the Central Coast

Traditional aged care is not a place people want to end up. Often the move is seen as a loss. Partly this is due to the fact that in traditional aged care facilities there’s often no option to bring your own furniture, no ability to bring pets, no guarantee couples will be close by (or even in the same facility), and little choice when it comes to how and when care needs are attended to. Independence and a sense of self start to become lost in the system.

Common objections to traditional aged care:

• Loss of independence
• Loss of identity
• Fear of communal living
• Loss of privacy
• Fear of mistreatment

That’s what I felt. I didn’t want to go into a nursing home. That was my main concern. I worked most of my life and I always wanted to be independent. – Glengara Care resident.

Addressing these concerns makes Glengara Care a breath of fresh air. Designed with quality of life and the wellbeing of residents as its core philosophy Glengara Care is a genuine alternative to aged care.

The care team is led by registered nurses, so residents at Glengara Care not only have the security of knowing the highest level of care is always available, but also the comfort of being able to make it their home in every sense of the word. This means residents can:

• Move in as a couple
• Bring their own furniture
• Bring pets
• Cook their own meals (if they choose)
• Have family and friends visit and stay
• Lock their door
• Choose the care they want, and when they want it

Chief Operations Officer Simon Fawssett, sums up the promise of Glengara Care, one that encourages residents to live life their way, with health, support, purpose and connection:

“What we’ve created is a home – not a bedroom – and a community in which people feel like they’re part of a family… All too often, moving into aged care symbolises a chapter of life ending. A lot of the cherished moments – such as hosting family for a Sunday afternoon roast, hobbies and the things you’ve always done – just aren’t possible anymore in an aged care environment. At Glengara Care, we don’t think this has to be the way. Just because your care needs change, the way you live your life doesn’t need to as well.”

Where to from here?

RetireAustralia has helped thousands of Australians find a home that’s right for them both today and in the future. While it’s not always a pleasant conversation to have, with the right tools, support and timing, the next chapter can be driven by choice and independence.

One of the best ways to see if Glengara Care is right for your loved ones is to encourage them to take a tour and meet with some residents. Glengara Care also offers short-term respite care, which can be a good way to experience everything on offer before making the move. You can book a tour here or call 1800 955 070 to speak with one of our caring team.

Ageing should not be about losing control, but about proactively keeping it. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us along the journey.